Friday, September 12, 2014

Degree life , a retrospect view

Alhamdulilah, albeit all the crazy stuff I have to endure during my final year during my degree, I managed to graduate on time and with Honors!  I thought my diploma was hard, apparently degree life was a little bit harder! thank God it's over!

Subahan'Allah. I've never been so stressed my entire life! I couldn't even imagine the burden I was under!
With my extra curricular and academic demands, the combination of both was lethal. All I could motivate myself was 'juts one more, the sooner the better". meaning better do it now than to postponed it in the future.  I don't know how I got so busy and hectic!  well actually holding on to 4 presidential posts for 4 different clubs could be the answer.

yup, apparently, during my final year, I was holding 4 presidential posts and an active member of another club. My clubs were as follows, :

1. President for Badan Peer Kaunselor
2. President for Echoes English Debate club
3. President for Bachelor of Administrative society
4. President of Student council's secretariat.
5. Core member of my silat club.

Only Allah knows how crazy I was! In a week I literally have no time for myself! My silat training was 3 days a week at night (mon,wed and fri) preparation for karisma (inter UiTM sports competition at Teranganu), on tuesdays I got my debate trainings and Thursdays  probably a meting with mpp's, the faculty's or Peers! On the weekend I probably be involved with activities arranged by the universitiy and clubs in which I was either the organizing committee or the participant.

My academic life was not so far behind, my thesis was hunting me all the time! all the literature reviews and correction upon corrections! the tests! the everything! the assignments! the presentation! my supervisors for my practical and research were like wolves! was already pulling what's left of my mind! A person can go crazy! and I did, and I pulled through! Alhamdulilah, it was all under Allah's permission and the struggle I had to face day by day.  It's really amazing for on how I could manage to do all that!

I mean there were times of hectic and chaos that I almost collapse! but I persevere! Never ending phone calls and late night meetings.  Thank God I didn't become a komander, if not I would be dead!

A  habit for me when the work load was too much, I would sacrifice my class. For instance, during a class, if I need to meet someone, or send letters or arrange something, I would pretend to go to the toilet, then proceed to HEP or anywhere I needed to be and settle everything there and only end up coming back to the class half an hour later with papers on my hand and sweats on my forehead. I think the lecturers noticed but they never really said anything.

Imagine that bundled into a week, then a month, then a semester!. You just got to be mentally strong!

My mom once asked me, whether I'm getting paid for doing all of these. Maybe she saw me going out everyday and doing activities under the universitiy and may have no interest for me.  voluntary work is fun once you have the heart for it.

in the end, I managed to keep all the pieces connected although falling apart. I was a train wreck by the end of the year, with exams closing in and everything between.
I need to focus and prioritize, and so I did.

I couldn't do it without my friends and comrades, special mention to my best friends Sahrul, Jusree and afiq for being there with foods and movie treats, Fadilah (dila), Redahyyana, Safiah, Hasif, Rauf, Syazrul, abu, farena, harbiah, sir firdausi,my coach kak hayat, en .ardey, miss roza, the mpps, my debate club and so many other unsung heroes of our journey together.  I couldn't do it without them and most works were done by them which I can never repay. Jazakallah khairan.

towards the end of my days, I understood the kind of responsibility a leader has and what a leader was supposed to do, for me I wasn't a good leader, because I wasn't able to focus on what I really wanted for the club. A lesson for not to be so lusty for power and time management. Indeed in the end Allah will question what we have done. Was not a good leader, and I'm sorry, I wish it was better, but I guess that's the best I could give in the situation that I was in. I'm so sorry for my incompetence and if I had let people down and be hurt of my actions for all these years.

I can only hurt myself  and take the responsibility for me.

receiving the faculty's award for ' tokoh kepimpinan' ,''most active student' and 'wira fakulti' was the recognition and was the highlight of my career as a student and a full time commitment to my extra curricular I could not ask for more.

When the examination result came out, I was so glad, didn't get myself a first class degree but graduating with honors was all the prize I can ever wanted with my hectic and crazy student life. Alhamdulilah, thank You Allah.

During my convocation, I can really feel the sacrifice I made was worthwhile. Subahan'Allah.
If I could turn back time, I would do it all over again. It's the people that you meet and the experience, the memories that you get from that you had that builds the person who you are starring in the mirror everyday.

To more adventures in the future inshAllah!

 If I could do it, so can you!

Monday, September 8, 2014

It's been awhile (In the memories of Ma Tua and Babu Rini) - Al-Fatiha... Part 2

On August 4th, 2013. babu Rini passsed away due to liver failure. She was 30 years old.

Farini binti Aman (1983-2013) she was my aunty (babu used In Bajau community for 'aunties') . One of the closest babu to us. She was my father's sister (the youngest out of 4).

Her death was sad for many reasons, but I guess the saddest part was because of her passing away on the third raya. yup, she passed away during Raya. That's not all, she has a husband (they've been married for decade), and 3 lovely daughters. Yes she left behind 3 daughters. And they all were aged 8, 6 and 3 at that time.

I couldn't imagine loosing a wife or a mother that young.

I was there to carry her body from the hospital, I was accompanying her in the ambulance to go back to her house. I was alone with her in the ambulannce at 2 AM. for some people that would be scary as hell, especially when you are alone with a dead body. But I don't know how I got the strength to be in that ambulance, but I guess I was convincing myself, that I shouldn't be afraid, because she was my babu,and it was someone who is close to me. I once heard that after a person is gone, their soul wiil be around the body. So I knew she could her me, so along the ride I kinda gave her 'advises' for the after life, telling her not to be sad and to embrace the reality and be happy instead. I hoped that some how helped her to be calm and to prepare herself for whats to come.

  for the most part she will always be in my prayers.

she was funny and she likes to talk alot. I miss that about her.  The funniest memory I have of her was when I was 11. She was eating noodles (maggie), then I asked for some, so she gave it to me. Apparently I was kinda hungry , so I ate most of the noodles! she was so mad, haha. great memories. may you rest in peace with the protection of Allah babu! Aamiin!

beloved babu, still cant believe you're gone. Al-fatiha

For the most part, the death of two close people in the family made me realize the kind of responsibility you have to your family, and at the same time to be more matured in dealing with deaths and be more prepared in taking care of it and your family, but most importantly is the notion that someday it could be you and  yourself must be prepared for it. 

It's been awhile ( In the memories of Ma Tua and Babu rini)- Al Fatiha

so, Asslamualaikum and hi. Well this is awkward. This blog has been empty of updates since 2012. That was like 2 years ago. So I guess many stuff has happened during the past 2 years. Would love to mention all but I forgot many of them already, and I bet those memories were one of the best in my life.

so what's the highlight?

Ma Tua passed away on March 24, 2014 this year. It was due to some kind of infection in her lungs. She was 54 years old (1960-2014). may Allah bless her soul, aamiin. Much beloved mother.  I would say that was one of the saddest moment in my life.

So who was she? her real name was "Abnah binti Mansiul/Mansil) ,she was my biological mom's older sister (by 4 years), since she wasn't able to have any children, my brother and I grew up with her (since my biological mom was working). She fend for all of our needs when we were kids and later on till I entered university, until she fell ill.

I loved and cared for her like she was my biological mother, when she was sick I tried to spend as much time with her, because I guess I know that , she wasn't going to be with us for much longer. I guess I always had that thought (of she passing away) for he most part of my University life. I always prepared myself, in terms of spending time with her, so that I would not feel guilty of not doing so and at the same time try to make her happy in the later part of her days.

I even made a recording of her conversation with me , so that when she dies, I don't want to forget how she sounds like. as afraid of loosing the recording, I later upload it to Youtube for and eternal storage (hopefully)

Though I wish she was alive today, I guess Allah cared for her the most. She was ill for the past few years, and it was very hard to see her struggling, especially during the last few days. I guess in someway, death was the release of all that pain.

I love her so much and she's never far away from my prayers everyday.

In an ideal world she would be with us still and be healthy , but I guess it's was already written, and I feel privileged to  have her for the most part of my life. You see from my perspective, I think she had a wonderful life. She managed to live till the age of 54! it's not so bad if you compare to all those people who  died even before they are 30. So in someway she was lucky(minus the disease of course) and in someway we were too lucky to have her.

I had so much memories with her, when I think about it, it looks so unreal. Now after 6 months of her passing, I can still feel that she is still around, maybe not physically, but always in our minds and heart.

my funniest memory with her I guess, when I was a kid and I had a fight with her. haha. Good memories. there were that time when sold ice creams together in our old house, I was around 9 then. There was her stories of when she grew up with mom and many other stuff. I still remembered teaching her the difference between '$' and "RM' when I was 9. I still remember hiding from her after I made a 999 call.

her cookings was the best! I  love the way she cooks vegetables! if it weren't for her, I would never love to eat veggies! And she knows what I like to eat, what kind of meal. Too bad I didn't have the chance to learn from her.

A regret for me I guess that I wasn't with her at the moment she passed away. However in someway she managed to say goodbye to me. how? after returning from the hospital, I was at home in my room, then suddenly a song by Fynn Jamal came out. It was the Arjuna song (first time hearing it). The song was about a mother singing to her infant son,giving him advises when he'll grow up and when after she's gone. When the song played, I can imagine all the time I had with her growing up and all the things she would say to me, the lyrics of the song was so touching at  that time, I could feel it in my heart. When the song ended, abah got a call from the hospital telling him that she was gone. masha'Allah. If only my heart was visible at that time.

In a Way , Allah has managed for me and her to say goodbye through that song when she passed away even when I wasn't with her at that time. Indeed Allah works in mysterious ways that we'll never see or see but can't understand. Subahan'Allah.

I miss the way she used to stroll my hair with her fingers. I miss that the most I guess.

Forever be loved and missed, Ma Tua,